Finding Liberty
by jennde
Summary: Outtakes from Finding Home, mostly EPOV. Rated M in case I feel like it at some point later.
1. Chapter 1

**Special thanks to Sebastien Robichaud for coming up with the title **_**Finding Liberty**_**. I ruminated on it for 4 days and came up with zilch. It took SR roughly twelve minutes to get back to me with the perfect title. And to Riss-uscmam who told me to do this months ago. Sometimes I'm a little slow on the uptake.  
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**Many of you have probably seen these already, but I thought I'd post for those who have jumped in late.**

**These outtakes are generally shorter than a standard chapter, but Edward's wordiness more than makes up for it.**

**Thanks to Lucette21 and Daisy3853 for betaing this little ditty for me.**

**This first chapter covers most of the beginning of chapter 9, the day after the wedding, and is from EPOV.**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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I woke up disoriented, expecting darkness and the ever-present feeling of exhaustion that had plagued me since I got to Annapolis. I was pleasantly surprised to wake up rested with my beautiful Bella sleeping soundly next to me, sunlight glinting off of her brown hair, making it look almost red. She was wrapped up in a sheet and looked incredibly relaxed as she slept. I wanted to touch her and kiss her and make her mine again but I couldn't find it in my heart to wake her. I could only imagine what the last few weeks had been like for her and she had looked so tired yesterday. I wanted her to be able to find whatever peace she could, while she could. I meant it when I told her that I couldn't remember a time when I didn't love her. I had waited so long for her and now to wake up with her, for my dreams of her to be a reality, made my heart swell in my chest. She was everything and I so badly wanted to keep her with me.

Yesterday had to be the single most frustrating yet amazing day of my life. I was so crushed when I thought I wouldn't make it to her in time. Getting bumped off the flight made my blood boil and my heart ache simultaneously. I had given myself enough time to get to New York, get her a her ring and make it on time and with one decision made by a faceless bureaucrat, Bella's wedding day was ruined. As if it wasn't bad enough that I couldn't give her a proper wedding. Jasper saw the look on my face and swore he would get me there and I had to believe him because I was in no shape to be civil to anyone. Somehow, Jasper managed to get us on a flight leaving forty-five minutes later, but the wait in the airport was interminable. I paced like a caged animal the whole time we waited while Jasper tried to calm me with assurances that Bella would wait for me.

I knew she loved me, but I was so afraid that she would lose faith in me, that she would think I didn't want her. I wanted her. I wanted her more than anything in the world and I just hoped she remembered everything I told her. When we landed, Jasper and I ran through New York Municipal Airport, grabbed a taxi and made our way to Manhattan. We had the taxi driver wait while I got Bella's ring and then he sped us over to City Hall.

My relief at seeing Bella standing outside, waiting for me, was profound. She hadn't left me.

The rest of the day passed in a haze of love and want; by the time we got back top our room my body was shaking with how much I just wanted to touch her and kiss her and make her feel good. There were no adequate words to describe how it felt to make love to Bella. It felt better than I remembered and the emotion of it shocked me.

I spent another few minutes watching her sleep, lightly running my hands over her hair, which made her moan in her sleep. I forced myself out of bed, stretched, and decided to take a run in the park. I knew it was cold but I had sweats with me and thought the chill in the morning air would be exhilarating. Not as exhilarating as making love to my wife, but since that wasn't an option, I would have to settle for the run.

There were a couple of other runners in the park and the weather wasn't nearly as cold as I thought it would be. As I ran I thought about the future, a topic I knew Bella was trying to avoid. I was so worried about her living in a strange city by herself, but I knew it was a battle I would ultimately lose. She could be stubborn when she wanted something and I knew she was adamant about following me. I still hoped to sway her but suspected it would be futile. Besides, there was a small part of me that was thrilled to know that she loved me enough to want to be where I was, no matter where that would be.

Not knowing where I was going was eating away at me. If I knew where I was going, I might not worry so much. I was smart enough to know to which division I would probably be assigned, I just had no idea what that would mean for Bella and me. I knew my future was in Intelligence, but that could mean anything. I could be stationed as far away as Moscow or as close as here in the states. To be stationed close to home, to be able to live every day with Bella is something I won't even let myself consider. The letdown would be too great if it didn't happen. Once the war was over I would work every day to earn the love and trust Bella had in me.

I finished my run and headed back through the hotel, the concierge tipping his cap to me. I was a Naval officer and I was in the honeymoon suite; there would be little they wouldn't do for me and I planned to take full advantage of that fact. I stopped at the desk and asked the concierge to make dinner reservations for us for that evening at La Pavillon. One of the recruits from New York told me it was one of the best, most romantic restaurants in town and I wanted Bella to have the nicest honeymoon I could give her. It was already so rushed and short and I hoped that some day I could make it up to her.

When I got back to the room and saw that Bella was still sleeping, I again resisted the urge to wake her and instead decided to have a quick shower. She looked so pretty when she slept.

After my shower, I emerged from the bathroom in one of the robes provided by the hotel, not sure in what state of undress it would be appropriate for Bella to find me. We had been as intimate as two people could be, but I was still so unsure of how any of this worked. Would she blush at my naked body, be disgusted, or would she enjoy seeing me? Would she be comfortable being naked around me when we weren't making love? Would she change her clothing in front of me? I wanted answers to these and so many other questions, but I feared we would run out of time before I unlocked her mysteries.

I let those thoughts cloud my mind and I started to brood about our short time together when I heard a small voice say, "Edward."

I was startled and walked over to the bed, ready to start our day, until I realized that her eyes were still closed. She spoke my name in her sleep.

Fascinated, I walked over to a chair by the window and sat, waiting for her to say something else, but feeling a bit guilty, like I was eavesdropping.

"Edward," she said again, so softly. "Missed you so much..." She sighed and turned to her side.

She said other things about New York, about me, even about Alice. After about ten minutes she said something that made my heart skip a beat.

"I love you, Edward. Please don't leave me." Her voice was small and laced with a desperation I had never heard from her before. "I don't want to be without you. I love you so much." She sighed again and was silent. The effect her words had on me was profound.

Not only was I completely sexually aroused, but my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. This girl that I had loved for as long as I could remember loved me back. I knew she loved for me, but I didn't realize until now that her love for me was as deep and abiding as mine was for her. I felt like the luckiest man on the face of the earth until I thought about our future, about the fact that in four short days we would likely be separated for months, if not years. I felt tears prickle my eyes and I took a deep breath, stopping them before they could fall.

I went to the living room, called down for coffee and picked up the newspaper. As much as every part of me wanted to wake Bella and keep her with me, I would be a gentleman and wait for her to wake up. I looked at the clock, silently willing her to wake up and just _be_ with me.

She came out soon after, in a robe, her hair messy with sleep. She came right over to me and sat in my lap and I let out a sigh, so happy that she was with me again. I put my arms around her and held her, wanting to be close to her.

"Good morning. I'm glad you're finally awake. I missed you," I said honestly.

"What time is it?" she asked, yawning like a little girl with her hand over her mouth.

"It's just after ten o'clock" I said, kissing the top of her head. I loved the way her hair smelled.

"How long have you been awake?"

"I've been up for a while. I've been conditioned. We had to get up at five o'clock every morning at Annapolis, but I did manage to sleep until six thirty this morning."

"So what have you been up to since you got up?"

"I went for a run in Central Park, the came back and took a shower." I moved the hair away from her neck as my fingers traced a slow path from her forehead to her neck. I felt slightly guilty for listening to her this morning, so I wanted to be honest. "Then I listened to you talk in your sleep."

She flushed a beautiful shade of pink and buried her head in my neck. I rubber my hand up and down her back, wanting to offer comfort. "What did I say?" she asked.

I wanted her to know. She needed to know that I loved her as much as she loved me. That this was real for me and that nothing within my power would ever take me away from her. I put a finger under her chin and lifted her so she could see the sincerity in my face, but she wouldn't look at me.

"You love me," I said softly, hoping my words would convey what she refused to see in my face.

She looked at me, then reached out her hand and touched my cheek. "Of course I do. Did it take me saying it in my sleep for you to believe it?"

"No, no. I...God, I love you so much." I held her tighter, wanting her to understand that I never doubted her, just maybe myself. "I was so terrified to tell you how I felt about you for so long and then when I finally did, things happened so fast. I just marvel at the fact that you love me and I finally have you to myself."

"Get used to it. I plan on loving you for a very long time."

I took her left hand and kissed it. "Do you like your ring? I'm sorry it's not big and fancy, but I refused any help from my parents and my lifeguard job from the past two summers only paid so much." I didn't know why I needed to explain. She had to know my family had money and I didn't want her to feel like it was a reflection of my love for her.

"It's perfect. Since when have you ever known me to like anything big and fancy anyway?"

"Never. I just didn't want there to be any mistake. The size of the ring is not proportional to my love for you." I hoped she understood. I took all of the money I saved over the past two summers and bought her a ring and put some aside so I could spoil her while we were here. She deserved nothing less, especially since this is not how I ever envisioned the start of our life together. The war had taken away the honeymoon I wanted to give Bella, but I would see to it that she enjoyed herself.

"I didn't think it was, but thank you. I love my ring and I wouldn't trade it for anything." She kissed me and her brow furrowed.

"Is there any more coffee?" she asked.

"No, but I'll order you some."

While she was in the shower I called down and had them send up coffee and breakfast. I wasn't sure what Bella wanted, but I had known her long enough to know that she preferred bacon over sausage, pancakes over French toast and that she liked her eggs cooked until they were brown.

When Bella came out of the bedroom her hair was wet and she looked so well rested and happy and it made me smile to know that I was taking good care of her.

Her eyes widened when she saw the dining table. "Did you order everything on the menu?"

"Yes," I said. "I wasn't sure what you wanted and I thought you might be hungry." She sat down and didn't touch anything so I poured her a cup of coffee and watched her sip it before I had an idea. I picked up a strawberry and pressed it to her closed lips.

She hesitated so I said, "Open, Bella." She opened her mouth and I slid the strawberry past her lips and into her mouth. I couldn't believe how aroused it made me to watch her eat, but I was powerless to stop it. I watched, fascinated, as a bit of strawberry juice escaped her mouth and before I even realized what I was doing, I reached out my tongue and licked the juice from her mouth. Her breath caught but she didn't pull away so I told her exactly what was on my mind. "You taste so good."

All I wanted to do was take her in the bedroom and make love to her again, but it was morning time and I didn't know if she would want to. So I shifted in my seat, hoping to get more comfortable, and decided I would be happy just watching her eat. I took a grape from the plate and fed it to her, content to nourish her in any way I could.

As I removed my fingers from her mouth, she reached out her tongue and licked my fingers.

_Bella licked my fingers._

I saw my feelings reflected back at me as I looked in Bella's eyes. Love. Desire. Happiness. _Want._

I wanted her. I wanted every part of her. I wanted to know everything she felt, every dream she had, every desire. I wanted to learn everything there was to know about her body and how to make her feel good.

"God, Bella," I said. "We're not going to make it through breakfast."

Bella stood and I was afraid she was leaving, disgusted with my behavior. I swallowed thickly, wondering if I had offended her and ruined our morning.

Then Bella surprised the hell out of me. She took my hand and led me to the bedroom. When we got there she closed the door and leaned against it before slowly slipping the robe off of her shoulders.

I couldn't help the smile that spread across my face.


	2. Chapter 2

**When I wrote the end of chapter 13, I knocked out this quick EPOV so I could better understand what he was feeling and why he behaved the way he did.**

**Thank to Lucette21 for betaing.**

**Enjoy. **

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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It was all becoming too much. The work I was doing was critical and would save lives if done right, but I was so tired and my mind was filled with the things I had to do. If we failed, lives would be lost; sons, husbands and fathers would never come home again and the pressure to succeed was weighing so heavily on my heart.

Add to that the fact that I couldn't tell Bella any of what was bothering me and I felt like I had no outlet for everything I was feeling. It just made it exponentially worse and knowing it was also making her unhappy just added to my discontent. I knew I was relying too much on alcohol to relax when I got home, but since I couldn't talk to my wife, that was the next best thing.

I got home and the house smelled heavenly – I wished I had an appetite. Bella greeted me sweetly at the door and asked me if I was hungry but I told her that all I wanted to do was unwind with a drink.

I saw her face fall at my refusal of dinner, but I couldn't do anything about it; if I didn't have time to relax I wouldn't enjoy dinner or her company. I didn't want her to see me like this. I had no patience and I felt angry and irritable and I wanted to calm down so I wouldn't take it out on her.

I went into the living room and poured myself a glass of Scotch, sitting heavily on the couch. I wanted to feel grateful that I was home with Bella and that we could be together at all, but I didn't feel like much of a husband at all these days. I wanted to take Bella out dancing and go for an evening walk after dinner and read to her as we curled up in bed together. I wanted to make love to her slowly and maybe try to convince her to take a shower with me some day. I wanted the fantasy I had of what my life with Bella would be like before the war interrupted our lives.

But I could do none of those things. I came home, ate, slept and went back to work. I felt like I was being so unfair to her in so many ways but there wasn't a single thing I could do about it.

We had one day together before I had to leave for Annapolis, a five day honeymoon, and now I was barely around her at all. I knew that my absence made her unhappy but I was loathe to talk to her about it, afraid that she would tell me she was miserable and wanted to go home. For as little time as we spent together, the prospect of seeing her at the end of the day made it all worth while. I sometimes thought that she might be happier back home, surrounded by family and friends, but I just couldn't let her go. I had no idea what I would do without her love and affection and the way she took care of me.

I finished my drink and refilled my glass, hoping for the numbness that usually accompanied my second glass of Scotch. Sitting back down on the couch, my mind wandered to what we had accomplished that day. It was good, solid work, but there was still so much to be done and time was of the essence. I was beyond frustrated with the bureaucracy that was holding us back and I felt my anger build as I thought about the red tape I had encountered while trying to follow orders. it was like one hand didn't know what the other was doing and I was caught in the middle.

Just then, I heard Bella's voice ask me if I wanted something to eat and before I could think about what I was going to say and to whom I was speaking, I snapped. "Christ, Bella. I told you I wasn't hungry. Could you just leave me the hell alone?"

I knew immediately what I had done, but if I hadn't, the look on her face would have been enough to make it perfectly clear.

I had hurt her. I was a cad and a lousy husband. She simply wanted to feed me, to take care of me, and I had spoken to her in a way I wouldn't even address a stranger. I had never once heard my father speak to my mother with anything but affection and I knew they would both be disappointed in my behavior.

I saw tears well up in those beautiful brown eyes I loved so much and I felt her pain and my gut clenched. How could I have done this to her? It was my job to take her sadness away, not cause it. I had been doing it since we were five years old but today I was a absolute disgrace.

She turned to leave the room after whispering an apology and I ran after her, desperate for her to know that she had nothing to apologize for and that I loved her so much it hurt. That she was everything to me and I would be lost without her and that if I couldn't spend my life with her then I didn't want to live at all. That I loved the way she took care of me and of our home and I was so proud of her for moving all this way to be with me.

When I caught up to her she tried to pull away from me and that nearly broke me, My own wife, my Bella, didn't want me and it was my fault. My behavior was inexcusable.

I reached for her again and wouldn't let her go this time. I wrapped my arms around her and held her tightly while she cried tears that I had caused.

I sat with her on the couch until her sobs died down, whispering words of love and apology in her ear and peppering small kisses over her face. I would never be able to tell her enough how sorry I was but I was going to try.

"I never should have spoken to you like that. I'm truly sorry. I know I hurt you - I deserve your ire, but please know that you are everything to me and if I could take it back, I would." I wanted more than anything to go back and not say those words to her, to not see her face crumble and have her pull away from me.

She looked at me, sadness still brimming in her eyes, and asked me the one question I didn't know how to answer.

"Why?"

I sighed and ran my hands through my hair, wondering how to answer her honestly without telling her anything specific.

"I don't know, sweetheart. Things have just been so..." I wanted so badly to just unburden myself, to tell her what I was feeling and all the things I had been doing. The mere thought of opening up to Bella about my work made my heart beat faster in anticipation, but I knew would never be my reality.

"It's okay, Edward. I know you can't talk about it." She smiled with understanding and kissed me and I knew I was forgiven. I wondered at my fortune that she was such a forgiving soul.

"What did you make for dinner?" I asked, wanting to make her happy.

"Nothing special," she murmured.

"Come on, tell me," I said, kissing her neck, trying to relax her and make her smile.

I felt a tremor go through me when she told me the dinner she had prepared for us. She remembered and took the time to make me something she thought I would like and in return, I shouted at her and made her cry.

She tried so hard to make me happy and all I did was come home to eat and sleep. I hadn't contributed a thing to our relationship in weeks, maybe months. She gave constantly and I felt like all I did was take. I knew her; I knew she needed more love, attention and simple affection than I was currently giving her. I had to try harder because no matter what happened when I was away from her, she deserved to be the focus of my attention when we were together.

"I don't deserve you," I said, believing it wholeheartedly. "Please say you forgive me. Please, Bella. I'm so sorry," I pleaded.

She held my hands, looked in my eyes and said, "I forgive you. You didn't know."

"That shouldn't matter. I shouldn't speak to you like that under any circumstance." I needed to try to make this up to her, to show her that she meant more to me than anything. "I've ruined your dinner. Shall I take you out?"

"No, that's all right. I'm not really hungry any more."

"Because of me," I said, more to myself than to her. I so badly wanted to do a better job of providing for her and making her happy. "Please let me feed you something. I'm supposed to take care of you and I've done an utterly despicable job of it tonight."

"Come on, you can help me make us sandwiches," she said, so sweetly it made my heart ache.

"I love you. I may not always show it, but I couldn't do this without you," I said, pulling her into a tight hug. I would try from now on to show her just how important she was to me.


	3. Chapter 3

**This was originally written for MsKathy's Twifans for Haiti Relief Effort.**

**It's an outtake from when Edward and Bella were twelve and is referenced in chapter one of Finding Home.**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended**.

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It was still only May, but I couldn't wait for school to be out this year. I was part of a summer baseball league and Bella promised to come to all of my games. Other than that, she and I were planning on spending all of our free time swimming in the pool in our backyard. Mom and Dad just had a diving board installed and I was going to teach Bella how to use it. She wasn't afraid - Bella wasn't afraid of anything like other girls - but she definitely needed practice. Bella was so fun to be around and she was my best friend.

It was going to be a great summer.

"What are you doing over there? Are you finished with your homework already?" Bella asked.

We were laying on our stomachs across from each other, books open, finishing up our homework so we could ride our bikes before dinner.

"Nah, just thinking about the summer," I said, refocusing on the paper in front of me.

"Already?" she asked, looking over at me, a small smile on her face. "Did you find out yet if they're going to let you pitch?"

"Not yet," I said, worrying my bottom lip with my teeth. It was my dream to be able to pitch in summer league this year. I'd been practicing for months, usually with Bella and Alice in our backyard, although I had started playing with Jasper a few days a week after school; he had been on the team longer than me and was helping me get ready.

Just then Mom came in and placed a snack down on the coffee table for us, stopping to look over my shoulder to check my homework.

"Looks good, sweetie. I want you to practice your piano after you're finished," she said, ruffling my hair.

"But Bella and I were going to ride down to the construction site," I practically whined. The WPA was building a new water tower and we wanted to go watch.

"Not today. I want you on that piano for at least an hour."

"Fine!" I said, so angry at always being told what to do. Why did she have to bug me so much? I wasn't a baby anymore; I was going to be thirteen soon and I should have been able to practice the piano when I felt like it.

"Don't you take that tone with me, Edward Anthony," Mom said sternly. "I expect you to do as I ask without any back talk."

"Yes, ma'am," I responded, my jaw clenched in anger.

"Good," she said, turning to Bella. "Bella, are you staying for dinner, dear?"

"Yes, ma'am. I think Daddy said he would pick me on his way home."

"Good," Mom said, turning to leave the room. "An hour, Edward, don't forget."

I scowled at her back, wanting to say something but knowing it would only get me sent to my room.

"It's okay, Edward. We can go tomorrow. It's Saturday and I can come over early so we have the whole day," Bella said, smiling so sweetly at me. How could she be so happy when I was so miserable?

"Whatever. Maybe I don't want to do anything tomorrow," I said, not even trying to hide the anger in my voice.

Her smile faltered and she looked back down at her homework without saying anything. I was no longer alone in my misery, but now I felt worse for being mean to Bella.

I was getting older but my parents still treated me like a kid, never letting me do what I wanted to do. Practice your piano, do your homework, play with your sister, take out the garbage...

I had been so frustrated with everything lately that I felt like I wanted to cry. But boys weren't supposed to cry, that was for girls. I thought about telling Bella about it – maybe she would want to go down to the beach tomorrow after our bike ride so I could talk to her. I always felt better after I talked to Bella.

My mom came striding back into the room a few minutes later and handed me a piece of paper.

"Here's the list for your birthday party Edward. The invitations are going out next week," she said.

She walked back out of the room and I glanced at the list. I didn't even like half the kids on the list; I didn't want these people there and it was my party. Why couldn't I make my own list of who I wanted? I was feeling even worse than before and I almost started to cry but I held it back, not wanting be a baby.

Bella closed her books and stacked them neatly before coming over and sitting next to me, glancing at the list in my hand. "Who are those kids?" she asked.

"I don't know all of them. I see some of them at hospital functions with my dad. Some are kids of my mom's friends that makes me hang out with," I said, unable to hide the unhappiness in my voice. It was going to be the worst birthday ever.

"Don't worry. We'll have fun anyway," Bella said, smiling and happy. I didn't want her comfort, I wanted the birthday party the I wanted.

"You're not even on this list, Bella, what makes you think you're even invited?" I asked, feeling a sense of satisfaction at seeing her bite her lower lip. She did that when she was upset or frustrated.

"Oh," she said. "I come every year. I just thought..." She tried to smile again but it wasn't much of an effort. I could see the doubt behind it.

""Yeah, well, my mom made the list and you're not on it, so you must not be invited. Even though she forces me to hang out with you, too." I knew Bella would be invited and that my mother left her off the list because Bella didn't need an invitation, but that didn't stop me.

"What do you mean?" She started to shake and her face turned red and I knew she was seconds away from crying. At least one of us could cry.

"It means that you're always here and I never have a chance to spend an afternoon just by myself," I said, almost immediately regretting it. I though it would make me feel better to see her cry, but it only made me feel worse. Now not only was I mad at my mother, but I was also mad at myself.

I liked when she was here and I wasn't really mad at her. I didn't even know why I said it, even though some days I did want to be alone. But that had more to do with my family than with Bella.

I saw tears spring to her eyes and I wanted to reach out and comfort her – that was always my first reaction with Bella. She was so sweet and kind and she didn't deserve to ever cry. I was such a jerk. I could take almost anything except Bella's tears and I was sure this was the first time that I was the cause of them.

Bella grabbed her books as fat tears ran down her cheeks and I felt worse in that moment than I ever had. The prospect of a birthday party I didn't want was nothing in the face of seeing my best friend cry because of what I had said.

"Bella–"

"Don't worry," she cut me off. "I won't be here to bother you anymore."

"I didn't me–" I started, but was cut off by the slam of the front door.

I was about to follow her when my mom came into the room. "Did I hear the front door?" she asked.

"Yeah, it was Bella. She left. I..." I trailed off, not knowing what to say. I didn't want to tell my mother how mean I'd been, for I would surely be punished.

"I thought she was staying for dinner. What happened?" my mother asked curiously. It never would occur to her that I had been been the cause of Bella's hasty exit, we had always gotten along so well.

"Um...she said she wasn't feeling well and decided to go home.," I answered quickly, immediately sorry for my lie. Mom would find out the truth eventually and then I would be in even more trouble. "Maybe I should follow her home," I said, hoping to catch Bella before this went any further.

My mother looked at me skeptically and shook her head. "Piano, mister. Now."

My shoulders sagged and I made my way over to the piano. There was no way I was getting out of the house when she used that voice.

"I'll call Commander Swan later and check on Bella," she said, heading back to the kitchen.

I sat down and started to play, picking a melancholy Chopin piece to match my mood.

As I played, I resolved to bike over to Bella's house in the morning and apologize. Then we would go over to the construction site and maybe go for ice cream afterward. It was always fun getting ice cream with Bella – she never licked fast enough and her cone would start to melt and I would have to help her eat it before she made a mess.

The next morning at breakfast, Dad asked me if I wanted to go out back and toss the ball around. I jumped at the chance; he usually worked on Saturday and we hadn't played catch in a while.

We were outside playing until Mom called us in for lunch. Just as we were finishing up our sandwiches, the phone rang and Dad got up to answer it.

The minute he said "Hello, Charlie" my stomach sank down to my toes.

Bella.

I had forgotten all about what happened yesterday, so excited about spending the day with my dad. How could I forget? I needed to get over there as soon as possible.

"What happened yesterday?" my father asked in to the phone. "I don't know anything about it. Esme?" he asked, looking at my mother. "Did Bella leave here upset about something yesterday?"

"I didn't see her leave, but Edward told me she wasn't feeling well," Mom answered.

I knew then that I was done for. Not only had I been mean to Bella, but I had lied about it.

"Edward?" my mother said.

I squirmed uncomfortably in my chair, truly frightened of the consequences of my actions. Why hadn't I remembered to go over to Bella's this morning? I could have apologized and my parents never would have found out. I was in so much trouble.

My father was still talking to Commander Swan while my mother looked at me expectantly. Still, I said nothing, not wanting to dig my own grave. Maybe Bella hadn't said anything and I could still avoid punishment.

"I see," my father said, glancing over at me. "No, no...we'll be over in a few minutes...that's all right, Charlie....okay, see you in a little while."

"What happened?" my mother asked the second the phone was back on the cradle.

Dad looked straight at me, a frown on his face. "Perhaps Edward could tell us," he said, eyebrows raised. "Bella's been in her room crying since yesterday."

My eyes got wide and I swallowed thickly, looking over at my father. My stomach was queasy and I thought I might actually have to run to the bathroom to be sick.

"We...," I started, not sure how to explain, but deciding that at this point, honesty was the best policy. "I said some nasty things to Bella, but I didn't mean it," I said quickly. "I was going to go after her yesterday but Mom wouldn't let me and then I wanted to go see her this morning but I...I forgot." I lowered my head, ashamed that I had been so mean to my best friend. Bella was so sensitive and I always hit boys at school when they were mean to her. Now I was one of them, but who would protect her from me?

"You didn't tell me she was upset, you told me she was ill," my mother said, obviously angry at my lie. "Had you told me what you did I would have let you go."

I didn't say anything, having no defense for what I had done.

"Let's go, Edward," my mom said. "We're going to Charlie's house and you're going to apologize to Bella properly."

"Yes, ma'am."

My father sighed and ran his hand across his unshaven chin. "We'll decide on your punishment when you get home," he said, his obvious disappointment making me feel even worse.

When we got to Bella's, Commander Swan told me that Bella was up in her room. I climbed the stairs slowly, afraid to face her.

She was laying on her bed, her back to the door, and I could hear her sniffling. I felt so awful. There was a knot in my stomach and my head hurt and all I wanted to do was lay down and forget that this ever happened.

"Bella?" I said softly.

She sniffled loudly. "Go away, Edward." Her voice broke over my name and it made me feel worse.

"I'm sorry, Bella. Please, stop crying. I didn't mean it." I stood with my hands in my pockets, shuffling my feet. We had never had a real fight before and I just wanted her to stop crying and for my head to stop pounding.

"Then why did you say it?" she asked, hiccuping even as her tears slowed.

"I was mad about other stuff and you were there and I took it out on you."

She turned over on her other side so she was facing me, her eyes and nose red, an old, rumpled tissue clutched in her hand.

"You swear you didn't mean it?" she asked, still sniffing and looking so pathetic and cute.

"I swear." I smiled at her and I could see her mouth turn up just the tiniest bit in response. Maybe we would be okay after all.

"I'm glad you called," I heard my mother say from the doorway. I turned to her as she continued. "He needed to apologize for this. There's no excuse and he will be punished."

I turned back to Bella and she was crying again and I wondered what happened. Maybe she was feeling bad that I was going to be punished.

"You can leave," she said. "Now that your mother made you apologize."

"Come on, Bella," I pleaded, running my hand through my hair, realizing she was crying again because she thought I didn't want to apologize. "I wanted to apologize yesterday but you ran out and then I meant to come over this morning but...Come on Bella, please? I really am sorry."

"Just leave. You don't want me at your party and you didn't even want to say sorry for being mean."

"Fine. I can't believe you won't listen to me," I practically shouted, running past my mother and out the front door. I wiped away the angry tears that were falling from my eyes while I waited for my mom on the front porch. She met me outside a few minutes later, placing her hand comfortingly on my back as she led me to the car.

I was miserable for the rest of the weekend. Even though I was grounded for two weeks, I think Dad felt bad about my fight with Bella because he took me for ice cream on Sunday. But it just made me think of Bella and the day I had planned for us that never happened so I couldn't really enjoy it.

I went to my locker at school on Monday morning and there was an envelope sticking out the side. I pulled it out and opened it, its contents making me feel so bad I didn't think anything could ever feel worse.

It was the silver ring I bought for Bella when we were five. She was giving it back to me. I couldn't believe how mad she was. I had to think of a way to get her to be my friend again. We did everything together and now she probably wouldn't want to come to my baseball games this summer. She always cheered loudest for me, even louder than my mom and dad. I really wanted her there. And at my birthday party.

It was going to be a terrible summer.

I wiped a tear violently from my face and shoved the envelope in my locker, but put the ring in my front pocket. Maybe she would want it back when she wasn't mad at me anymore.

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**As always, thanks to Lucette21, beta extraordinaire.**

**Thank you to mskathy for organizing this effort. Isn't it amazing what people can do when they come together?**


	4. Chapter 4

**This takes place at the end of chapter 24. It's the conversation Edward and Carlisle have when they go for the walk on the beach.**

**I know, I said I was going to put a hold on EPOV until after the auction. But once the seed was planted, I needed to write it. I hope you'll bid anyway, it's for a good cause.**

**Thanks to Lucette21 and LTR.**

**Thanks to Bammers and karolinemcp, who were the inspiration behind this, and to all the Twitter ladies who told me that this would be of interest to them.**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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"I'm sorry about today, Dad," I said, shaking my head, ashamed of my behavior. Knowing I had very little control over what happened didn't make me feel any better about yelling at my mother and cringing away from my father.

"There's no need to be sorry. We're your parents. We love you no matter what," he said, walking next to me, his hands in his pockets. It was a beautiful, warm, sunny day and I was in the place where I was more comfortable than any other, but I felt restless and unhappy. I wanted to be near Bella; being away from her made my chest ache and made me more anxious than I already was.

Dad and I continued to walk in silence while I threw constant glances back at the house. I knew I was doing it, but like so much of my behavior these days, I couldn't seem to stop. We got to the place where Bella and I were earlier in the day and sat on a large rock. I was quiet for a long time, wanting to talk to my father but not knowing where to start.

"I spoke with your doctor back in Bethesda," he said, breaking the silence.

I had forgotten about that. "I won't claim to know how you feel," he continued. "But I have a good idea of what you went through physically."

I nodded and looked out into the calm ocean, willing it to have that effect on me. "It was bad," I whispered.

Dad placed his hand on my knee and squeezed tightly before pulling back, no doubt worried about my reaction. I couldn't blame him, I had been unpredictable all day.

"How do you feel physically? Do you have any pain?" he asked.

I shook my head. "No, not really. My hand sometimes bothers me, especially when I dream about it. I'm cold a lot, but other than that nothing is physically bothering me."

"If you would put on some weight, that might help with being cold."

"Bella's been trying to get me to eat. It's just...I can't look at food, almost everything makes me nauseous. I don't want to disappoint her any more than I already have, so I try to eat something for her every day."

"What do you mean any more than you already have?" he asked.

"When I came home...God, I treated her so badly, Dad. I have no idea why she's still with me," I said softly, rubbing my chest to try to alleviate the ache that always intensified when I thought about how badly I had treated Bella. She deserved so much better than me, but then as now, I was too selfish to let her go.

Dad nodded but didn't ask me to elaborate. "This is Bella we're talking about, and she's your wife, did you expect any different?"

"I don't know, but I might have left me," I said softly, pulling an errant piece of lint off of my pants.

"Is your marriage in trouble?"

"I don't know...no, it's not, not really. Bella's been holding us together somehow, all by herself without any help from me. I want...I don't want to lose her," I said, pulling at my hair.

"I'm sure she understands that you've been through something traumatic. She loves you and she's a strong girl."

"I know. I love her too. I marvel at how lucky I am sometimes. But I'm not sure she's so lucky in this scenario."

"Why not?"

"It's bad, Dad. I barely sleep, I have nightmares, you saw how I was with Mom. I don't feel... ." I trailed off searching for the right word. "In control. Normal. How much is Bella going to put up with?"

"You're ill, Edward. Do you think your mother would stop caring or leave me if I wasn't well?"

"No."

"Why would it be any different for you and Bella?"

"Have you ever shouted at Mom? Or told her that you didn't want her?"

"Edward, every marriage –"

"Have you ever made her feel like she wasn't important or worthwhile?" I cut off, angry with myself for my deplorable behavior and wanting desperately to find a way to just...stop. To control my emotions and my actions and stop hurting the sweetest person I'd ever known.

"_Is _Bella important to you?"

"She's – there's nothing more important in my life. Nothing. But...Bella and I sat here today, before we came to the house, and I wanted to kiss her but I couldn't. I couldn't even kiss my wife," I said, running a hand through my hair to alleviate some of the frustration I felt. "What kind of husband am I? She held me yesterday while I curled up in a ball on our bed, crying from a nightmare."

"And how did that make you feel? Did you not want her to? Did it make you feel worse?"

"God, no. It made me feel like maybe it didn't have to be so bad. That maybe somehow I could get through this. When I first came home I was dealing with it alone and God, Dad, it was so much worse. I slept alone and didn't sleep more than an hour or two a night; the nightmares were almost debilitating. But since we've been here and Bella's been sleeping next to me I've actually slept and I feel stronger. When she touches me I feel less anxious and more...normal.

"But I also feel weak. I've only ever wanted to take care of her. To love her and make her life easy and happy. I hate that she can't have a normal life because of me."

"Because of you, or because of the war?" I opened my mouth to protest, but he held up his hand, silencing me. "Do you think I came home from the first war and resumed life as it had been? I came home changed, just like Charlie and every other man who goes to war.

"I was dating your mother at the time and she agreed to wait for me while I was away. We had plans to get married after the war, but I came home sullen and angry and about two months later, I told her it was over, that I didn't want to marry her anymore."

"Really?"

"Really. I was unhappy and wanted to wallow instead of being around the one person who brought some light into my life. I told the Navy that I had a passing interest in medicine so I was attached to a medical unit during the war; I saw so much death, so many men who I couldn't save or who went away crippled for life. I would hear their screams in my sleep."

Dad paused and looked out into the ocean, no doubt haunted buy his own memories.

"Your mother refused to let me go. She told me that I had made a promise to her and that I was going to keep it whether I liked it or not," he said, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth, his affection for my mom obvious. "It was after the war that I decided to leave the Navy and become a doctor."

"Didn't you feel like...I don't know... ," I said, shaking my head, unable to explain all of the jumbled thoughts and emotions that were swirling around in my head.

"I'm better for Esme's presence in my life. That was true then and it's true now," he said simply.

"I have so much to make up for."

"Maybe not as much as you think. She's still with you, she understands, even if you can't talk about it."

"I have told her some of it. There's more she needs to know, but she's forgiven me the worst of it."

"Give her a chance, Edward. She loves you. We think of women as the fairer sex, but the women in our lives are strong. Your mother has held this family together over the years. Through all of my long hours at the hospital and two world wars, she's been the one constant in my life. Let Bella be yours."

I nodded, running my hand up and down my thigh and glancing back in the direction of the house. I was anxious to get back to Bella.

"Come on, Edward, let's get you back," he said, laying a soft hand on my shoulder.

"Okay," I said, hopping down from the rock.

"She's different," Dad said as we walked back toward the house. I looked at him, not sure who he was talking about. "Bella," he said.

I nodded, running a hand through my hair before shoving it in my pocket."She is," I said softly. "She's the same though. She's always been strong and smart, she just hasn't always seen herself clearly. Especially after Charlie died," I said, picking up a rock and tossing it into the ocean.

Dad raised his eyebrows and looked at me for a moment before nodding his head.

"I think Charlie would be proud of her," I said softly.

"I _know_ he would be. I am," he said with conviction. "You too, Edward. I know you might not believe it or feel it right now, but I'm proud of the man you've become."

He was right, I didn't quite believe it; I didn't feel good or strong or happy, but there was still one source of light in my life and I would keep her for as long as she would have me.

"I thought, after Charlie died, that I would be able to take care of her. I don't think he would be proud of me at all," I said, believing it wholeheartedly. I hadn't been able to fulfill one promise I made to her and I was sure Charlie would have found me lacking in the way I was, or wasn't, taking care of her.

"Charlie didn't raise Bella to need someone to take care of her. And he wasn't perfect. He made a lot of mistakes with her that he would admit to you if he was here today."

I looked at him, my eyebrows raised in surprise.

"It's true," he said. "He raised a girl who didn't know how to cook or clean or sew a button."

"That stuff doesn't matter," I scoffed. "Bella was cut out for more than that. And not that I ever asked her to, but she learned what she needed to very quickly once we got to Maryland." My voice was rising and I knew it, but I was angry that he would think that Bella should be pigeonholed that way.

"I guess it's a good thing she married you then, isn't it?" he said quietly.

I stopped walking and looked at him, my anger disappearing as realization dawned. Had Bella married someone else, she most likely would have been expected to know how to care for a home and a husband. He hadn't really prepared her for the reality that most women lived every day.

"We do the best we can with the people we love, Edward, but none of us are perfect." He touched my shoulder gently and we resumed walking.

I picked up the pace, wanting to get back to the house quickly, anxious for the comfort of Bella's presence.


	5. Chapter 5

**This was originally written for Smut Monday over on Twilighted. In that spirit, you'll notice that the beginning is a little expository. It was necessary for those who just came for the smut and had no idea FH existed (shocking, I know).**

**As for timimg, you can place this around the time of the epilogue.**

**Thanks to Lucette21, LTR, Nina and TanglingShadows.**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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I woke up feeling warm and content, my naked legs entwined with those of my wife, my chest to her back. And though it was the middle of the night, for once it wasn't a nightmare that had awakened me.

Bella and I usually woke up on opposite sides of the bed; my nightmares took me away from her in more ways than one. But according to the clock on the night stand, it was still a few hours before dawn. I sighed, loving the feel of her body pressed to mine. It was comforting and arousing at the same time.

Bella and I had known each other our whole lives and I had loved her for as long as I could remember. We got married at eighteen, right at the start of the war, and had survived years of separation and instability and were finally in a place where we could be ourselves and work through our problems together. Our lives were far from perfect; I suffered from nightmares, depression and insomnia as a result of my war experiences, even though it had happened years ago. I was sure this would be with us forever, but it got easier every day.

Because of her.

I wouldn't have survived it at all if it hadn't been for Bella, I knew that now. She saw me through the toughest time in my life with a strength that to this day amazed me. We had been handed a set of horrendous circumstances when we were first married and barely out of our teens. If we could survive that, we could survive anything.

I had spent so much time hiding parts of my military career from her in a misguided attempt to protect her and keep her sheltered that I constantly felt like I had to make it up to her. She always insisted that there was nothing to make amends for; that she loved me and understood why I had been so secretive. That she was mine and I was hers and nothing else mattered. And most of the time, I believed her.

But sometimes I would look at her and remember the pain I had caused her and my chest would tighten in shame. She was everything to me and I put our relationship at risk every day for years. I would never go back to that because I couldn't risk losing her. Ever.

I sighed and hugged her closer to me, and realized why I had woken up; it was the lack of a nightmare coupled with my painfully hard erection pressed up against Bella's back.

I had considered making love to her in this position before, of course, but never really occurred to me to do anything about it until now. Wanting her this way and the thought of it made me harder than I ever thought possible. I pictured her brown hair cascading down her back as I slid myself into her, her back arching as she cried out in pleasure. I saw myself moving behind her as I held her hips in my hands. I could almost feel her beautiful body tighten around mine as she found her release.

I clenched my jaw and took a deep breath, thinking about how to best proceed. We weren't exactly adventurous in the bedroom, but we were extremely comfortable with each other and our bodies. Still, I felt like this was definitely something we needed to work our way up to and talking to her about it first would probably be wise.

It was just that I was so turned on that I had trouble concentrating and I wasn't sure about my ability to take the time to explain it to her.

I gently rubbed myself against her backside and buried my head in her neck to stifle a groan.

_God, it felt so good._

Bella stirred a bit and sighed in her sleep, gently adding pressure to my already straining erection. I closed my eyes, holding in my moan of pleasure and tightening my arm around her. I lowered my head to her neck and inhaled deeply before layering her skin with kisses. Even if I couldn't have her _that way_, I wanted her to wake up so we could do something to alleviate the unbelievably intense pressure between my legs.

"Edward?" she asked, her voice deep and gravelly from sleep. "Did you have a nightmare?"

"No, sweetheart," I said, splaying my fingers across her taut stomach and pulling her even closer to me. "Sorry I woke you."

She let out a small "oh" when she felt my erection pressing into her and turned her head to me. "I don't think you're sorry at all," she said, giggling and smirking at me before kissing me softly on the mouth.

I was the luckiest man on earth. I woke up my wife in the middle of the night because I was sexually aroused and she wasn't angry with me. Just when I thought she couldn't show her love for me in another way, she surprised me. Again.

"Bella," I said softly against her lips, my hand traveling from her stomach and up to her breast. "I love you so much."

"I love you, too," she said, reaching her hand back to grab the hair at the base of my neck and kissing me more deeply. I loved it when she put her hands in my hair; whether it was for comfort or affection or while we were making love, it had always been one of her ways of expressing herself with me.

My fingers grazed her nipple gently and she whimpered into my mouth, urging me on with pressure on the back of my head.

She went to turn to me but I put a soft hand on her shoulder to stop her.

"Wait," I said, suddenly nervous. She raised her eyebrow at me, waiting patiently for me to explain, but my mouth was dry all of a sudden. Not knowing what her reaction was going to be was making me so anxious I was almost trembling. I lost my earlier resolve to talk to her about it first and decided to show her instead. I had nothing to lose and I really, really wanted to try.

"Do you trust me?" I asked softly, knowing she did but always wanting to give her a choice.

"Of course," she said without hesitation.

"I'd like to try something," I said, swallowing against my nervousness. "If you want me to stop or if you don't like something, just tell me, okay?" It was about us, never just me and what I wanted. I desired her enjoyment as much as my own because without it, the experience wasn't nearly as satisfying.

She looked at me for a minute, confusion clouding the beautiful face I knew so well. She saw my unease and I could tell she didn't know what to make of it, especially since I was being so cryptic.

"Please," I said softly, my hand stroking her cheek lightly.

"Yes, all right," she said. I let out a breath and kissed her softly on the mouth, so grateful for her trust in me.

"Roll over, onto your stomach," I said against her lips. She tensed for a moment but then nodded her head slightly before doing as I asked.

Her arms were bent on either side of her head, her hair was falling down her back and she was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. I straddled her hips and swept her hair to the side, making her shiver slightly in response. I ran my hands gently from the top of her back to her hips, feeling her noticeably relax under me.

"You are so beautiful," I said, leaning down to kiss her back.

She sighed softly, a small smile on her lips, and I felt my stomach flutter. God, how I loved her.

I moved down to the end of the bed and softly kissed the backs of her knees. I had found out a long time ago that this spot was particularly sensitive, along with her upper arm. I heard her groan softly in response as her body relaxed further into the bed. Her trust in me and her willingness to relax in such a vulnerable position made my heart swell and my erection throb almost painfully.

She was beautiful and perfect and _mine_.

I moved back up the bed and kissed her gently on the back of her neck, trailing my tongue across her shoulder. I kissed my way down her spine with lingering, open-mouthed kisses. When I got to her buttocks I kneaded them softly with my hands, eliciting a low moan from Bella, whose eyes were closed, her mouth open and her breath coming in short pants.

The fact that she seemed to be enjoying what I was doing emboldened me further and I gently spread her legs, nipping lightly at her inner thighs. I inhaled deeply, never having been this close to her before, and her scent made my cock harden painfully. She squirmed on the bed and moaned softly so I took a chance and did something I wanted to do for a long time, but never had the nerve to try. I ran my tongue on the outside of her lips; she gasped loudly and her hips bucked off of the bed.

"Edward?" she groaned. I continued running my tongue around between her legs and spurred on by her hips grinding into the bed, I quickly turned her over and buried my face between her legs before she could protest.

"Oh, my God...Edward...what...?" Her arms were flailing as if she didn't know what to do with them so I grabbed them and put them in my hair, which she grabbed tightly, making me moan in delight. As I continued to lick and kiss between her legs, she started to chant my name, her hands tightening in my hair. She tasted so good and her reactions were such a turn on and I wondered why the hell I waited so long. My own body was aching to be touched and caressed and my cock was begging to be buried in her warmth, but more than that, her enjoyment of what I was doing brought me more satisfaction than any release I would ever have.

Her body tightened suddenly, her hips bowing off the bed and her thighs clamping down on my head. She called my name one last time before collapsing in a heap on the bed.

"Edward?' she asked softly.

"Yes, sweetheart?" I responded, crawling back up the bed so my body was flush with hers.

"That was...I mean...that felt...thank you." She had a soft look of wonder in her eyes and it just made me want her more. That she would thank me for anything, when I owed her everything, humbled me beyond belief.

"Still trust me?" I asked, moving a lock of hair behind her ear and kissing her softly.

She nodded eagerly and I gently turned her back onto her stomach.

I ran my hands across her back one more time and kissed her softly between her shoulder blades.

I spread her legs wider and gently lifted her hips so I could line up with her entrance. I saw her hands gripping the sheets and I felt how wet she was and I couldn't believe that she wanted this as much as I did.

"Oh, God," I heard her whisper.

As I slid slowly into her, I could see her knuckles turn white as she grabbed the sheets tighter and tighter. I was panting with the effort to hold myself back, both from driving my hips into her and from reaching my climax. Once I was fully inside of her, I dropped my forehead between her shoulder blades, panting heavily, willing myself not to come so soon and ruin this experience for both of us. She was so warm and being inside of her was the most amazing feeling. It erased everything else; every thought and feeling I had was solely focused on her. It was as if the rest of the world disappeared.

"Bella?"

"Mmmmm?" she answered.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes, Edward. Please..." she said, her voice strained and thick with arousal.

I moved so that my forearms were parallel with hers and I grabbed her hands in mine. I pulled my hips back slightly and then back again and I felt her whole body shudder under mine. I wanted to come so badly and it took every ounce of willpower I had to hold back. She felt so good.

I stilled and kissed the back of her neck softly, desperately trying to regain some control. If there was one drawback to making love this way, it was that I couldn't kiss her mouth. I settled for kisses along her shoulders and in her hair and on her back.

She was patiently waiting for me to start moving, I knew. We had been together long enough for her to know that my stillness indicated that I needed time to gain some semblance of control. It hadn't always been my strong point, but we had come to know each other so well over the years and I knew she never resented when things ended quickly. I always made sure she was satisfied, no matter how I had to accomplish it.

I could feel the rise and fall of her chest as I leaned into her to whisper in her ear.

"You feel so amazing. Do you have any idea how much I want you?"

She groaned in response and moved her head to the side where I could see her profile. Her eyes were closed and her lips were slightly parted and her cheeks were flushed in what I hoped was arousal.

I moved my hips again, moving slowly in and out of her, my hands gripping hers, my forehead resting on her back.

"Oh, God, Edward. It feels so good," she groaned as her hips flexed to meet mine. God, I loved it when she talked like that. When the feeling of us being joined made her speak so freely and without restraint.

I continued my slow pace, relishing the feel of her, the different angle and the new experience. She was everything I'd ever wanted and every dream I'd ever had made reality.

"I love you so much," I groaned.

Bella responded with a soft whimper, her grip on my hands tightening.

"Bella, where are you?"

She knew what I meant. I needed to know how close she was and if I needed to try to hold out.

"I'm so close...please..."

I picked up my pace just a bit, wanting to make her come and trying so desperately to hold myself back.

"Oh God, oh God, oh God..." she repeated, spurring me on to move faster inside of her, wanting so badly to please her and give her what she needed.

"Please, Bella," I said through clenched teeth, an edge of panic in my voice that even I could hear. I was at my breaking point.

"Oh God...Edward..." She grabbed my hands so tightly it was almost painful as she threw her head back and cried out.

Finally, I was able to let go and I grabbed her hips, thrusting mine into hers. In a few quick movements I was over the edge, experiencing the most intense orgasm of my life. I collapsed on Bella's back, kissing her and tasting the salt of her sweat and mine. I felt her chest rise and fall below me, her breath coming in short gasps.

Once I caught my breath, I turned her over and kissed her fully on the mouth, having missed it while we made love. I put my hands in her hair and stroked her scalp, turning my head so I could slip my tongue into her mouth, loving the taste of her and the way her tongue softly moved against mine. She was everything and I would worship her freely and without reservation every day of my life. Because she deserved nothing less and pleasing her was my greatest joy.

I released her lips and softly kissed her cheeks, her forehead and the tip of her nose, before turning onto my back and resting her against my chest.

"That was amazing. You're amazing. Thank you for trusting me," I said softly, running my fingers up and down her arm.

"Always," she said sleepily.

She shivered in my arms so I brought the blanket up from the end of the bed and wrapped it around us securely. She sighed as I wrapped my arms around her and buried my face in her hair.

Maybe tomorrow we wouldn't wake up on opposite sides of the bed. Maybe we would wake up exactly as we were.


	6. FGB Outtake

**This was, once again, written for the lovely ctforget, who won me in the FGB: Eclipse auction. This was supposed to be a 1K bonus for her extreme generosity, but it blossomed into this monster. She's generously allowing me to share this with you. Hope you enjoy.**

**By way of explanation, the last outtake was posted under **_**Finding Home**_** because I considered it part of the larger story. This is more of a true outtake, hence it posting here.**

**See you on the flip side.**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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Bella was out with Charlie so I sat alone at my desk, staring at the large envelope in my hands, not sure if I was ready to open it. Jasper had given it to me earlier in the day and this was the first opportunity I had to look at its contents. I just couldn't seem to get past staring at it.

"Edward?"

My head shot up, my eyes seeking her out. When I found her, standing in the doorway to my office, my whole body relaxed. She was there, as always, showing up when I needed her the most.

I smiled at her and pushed out my chair, gesturing her over to me and putting the envelope on my desk.

When she settled on my lap I gave her a soft kiss on her lips, which relaxed me further and gave me the strength I needed to face what was in that envelope.

"I didn't hear you come in," I said.

"I guess you were distracted," she replied, smiling softly at me

"He found her," I said softly, reaching around her and picking up the envelope.

"Who found – oh," she said, sitting up straighter and looking at the envelope before her eyes met mine.

Her gaze was steady and strong, just like always. "Have you looked yet?"

"No," I replied, my voice soft. I shook my head and dropped my eyes, pursing my lips. "I wanted to wait for you. To make sure..." I tried not to analyze my family, Bella especially, who became downright angry when I spoke to her like a patient, but I had been anxious about what her reaction would be. As supportive as she had always been, asking her to go along with this was almost above and beyond what I should have expected.

She put her hand on the side of my face and looked in my eyes before kissing me lightly on the lips and smiling at me. "Thank you, but I told you I was fine with it, and I meant it. Go ahead and open it."

I nodded and kissed her one more time. "I love you so much," I said.

"I love you, too. Now open the damn envelope."

I pulled out the sheaf of papers and scanned them quickly, Bella and I reading together. Once we were finished I placed them back on the desk, a slight tremor in my hands.

"So what do you want to do?" she asked.

"I don't know," I replied, shaking my head.

"We don't have to decide right now. Let's take some time with it, okay?"

"Okay." I put my arms around her and held her close to me, my mind whirling, but not as bad as it would have been had she not been here.

"Come on," she said, pulling away from me. "Charlie is upstairs napping, why don't you help me with dinner?"

"I'll be right there," I said, grateful for the distraction preparing dinner and being with Bella would provide, and sure that was why she suggested it.

After she walked out I put the papers back in the envelope and put them in my desk.

And there they sat for almost two years.

x-x-x-x

I was nervous; as nervous as I ever remembered being, but I knew I had to do this, that the opportunity had presented itself and if I didn't take it, I might never do it.

I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror, took a deep breath and entered the bedroom I shared with Bella. She was sitting up in bed reading, her body relaxed and her face happy. I hoped she would stay that way after I told her what I wanted to do.

"Bella?" I said, getting in bed next to her.

She held up her finger, her eyes never leaving the page, and I waited patiently for her to finish what she was reading. A moment later she turned to me and smiled, but her face fell once she saw my expression.

"What is it?" she asked.

"Nothing," I said, taking her hand in mine and moving closer to her. "I just wanted to talk to you about something."

"Okay," she said cautiously, putting her book aside and turning to face me.

"There's a medical conference I think I'd like to attend," I began. "In Italy."

"Oh," she said, blinking rapidly. She was quiet for a moment, searching my face. "Are you sure you're up for going back there?"

"No," I answered honestly. "But if you're there with me it might not be so bad." I looked at her hopefully and her face noticeably relaxed.

"Of course I'll go with you. Did you want to do something with the information in the envelope in your desk while we're there?" she asked me.

"I think so," I replied softly, looking down. "I just don't know where to start."

"Maybe we should start with a letter."

My heart started to pound and my limbs felt heavy at the thought of facing my past head on. I looked at Bella, feeling helpless and afraid, and she very gently took me in her arms so that we were laying down and my head was resting on her chest. She ran her fingers through my hair and when I felt calm enough, I spoke softly, my lips brushing against the material of her pajamas.

"Thank you."

She kissed the top of my head but remained silent.

"Will you help me?" I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.

"Of course I will," she replied. "Let's get some sleep and we'll talk about it tomorrow, okay?"

I nodded against her chest as she reached over to turn off the bedside light. Once we were shrouded in darkness, I went to move away so she could get some sleep, but she stopped me with a soft, lingering kiss on my mouth that soon turned more heated.

"Are you trying to distract me?" I asked as I lifted her pajama top over her head.

"Yes," she said, a smile in her voice. "Is it working?"

"Absolutely," I said, taking off my own shirt before kissing her again, and then forgetting all of my troubles as I lost myself in the warmth and comfort that was my wife.

x-x-x-x

We wrote the letter the next day and while Bella took it to the post office, I visited the travel agent and made arrangements for our trip to Italy. The conference was in May, in Rome, and we were hoping to spend some time in other regions, but exactly where was partially dependent on the letter Bella was posting. So I made our arrangements open ended, hoping that we would have a concrete answer to our inquiry in the two months we had before we left.

I went home afterward, feeling tired and more anxious than I had in a long time, so I was grateful to find Bella and Charlie waiting for me in the house.

"Daddy!" Charlie exclaimed, running up to me when I waked in the front door.

"Hey, buddy," I said, reaching down and picking him up. "What are you up to?"

"Mommy's making lunch. I'm coloring. Wanna see?"

"Of course I do," I said, carrying him to the dining room where he had paper and crayons laid out. I placed him in his chair and sat next to him as he handed me his latest masterpiece.

"That's you and Mommy on the plane. You're going Itly," he told me very seriously. It was crude, but I could just make out the shape of an airplane and two heads drawn in squares on the side.

"Italy, buddy. Mommy and I are going to It-a-ly," I said, slowly pronouncing the last word.

He watched my lips as I said the word and he whispered "It-a-ly" in perfect imitation.

I picked up his picture and placed it back in front of him. "This looks great. Mommy told you we were going away?"

He nodded thoughtfully, picking up a blue crayon and drawing in the sky around the plane.

I watched him for a moment, my heart constricting just a little, his presence in my life a constant source of joy and awe. I knew, somehow, that he was a true miracle and would be our only child. We would happily welcome more children, but in the almost four years since Charlie had been born we hadn't once thought about the date or used any form of birth control, and he was still our only.

"Hey," Bella said, walking in the dining room with a plate in her hand. She placed the peanut butter and jelly sandwich next to Charlie's papers, ruffled his hair and then leaned over him to give me a kiss before turning to me. "I thought I heard you. Are we all set?"

"Mostly. I left the return trip open-ended," I said.

"I spoke to your mom. She'd be happy to have Charlie. I think she's looking forward to it, actually."

"Okay," I said, gripping her hand around the table and pulling her to me. I buried my face in her stomach and wrapped my arms around her, sighing deeply. I wasn't sure I was going to get through this, but having her near me made me think I could, somehow.

Her hands lightly caressed my hair but she said nothing. There was no need, she knew very well what I was going through and how to make me feel better.

"Milk, please, Mama," Charlie said, causing me to loosen my arms from around Bella. She looked down at me, her hand on the side of my face, and kissed me quickly before walking to the kitchen.

I sat there, bereft from her absence, staring at the floor, until I felt a little hand on my leg. I looked up and Charlie was gazing at me with a sad expression on his face, no doubt mirroring me perfectly. Except for his eyes, which were his mother's, he was my little clone, right down to the shape of his face and the color of his hair. He crawled into my lap and wrapped his arms around my neck, his hair tickling my nose. I returned his hug, enjoying his closeness; he was a very affectionate child so him hugging me didn't surprise me. But what he said next did.

"Don't be sad, Daddy," he said quietly in my ear, making me tighten my arms around him as my eyes burned and my throat tightened.

"I'm sorry, buddy. Daddy's fine, I promise," I whispered, a tear slipping down my cheek. Not in sadness, but in wonder that my son could be so empathetic at his age. I loved him so much and hated that this part of my life had to effect him in any way. I wanted him to know the man I was before the war and the torture and the nightmares. I wanted him to know the boy who grew up in a happy family and who fell in love with his best friend and wanted to love her and take care of her forever. I wanted him to know the boy who loved baseball and played his piano joyfully and who laughed and smiled easily. But there was nothing I could do about that now. That boy was gone. My experiences were part of me and they defined who I was in ways I never imagined, and no amount of wishing would make it any different.

Bella and I decided that when he was old enough, we would tell him honestly about that time in our lives. It was inevitable that my nightmares would wake him up some day and he needed to know that what was haunting his father was in the past and wouldn't hurt us in the here and now. He just wasn't old enough yet.

I heard Bella place a glass down on the table and opened my eyes to see her there, silently watching us. I kissed Charlie on the cheek and placed him gently on his feet. "Go finish your lunch," I said, touching his hair gently.

He sat down and took his sandwich in one hand, a crayon in the other, and continued his drawing, his face in full concentration mode. Bella came and sat in my lap, resting her head on my shoulder.

"Better?" she asked.

"Better," I responded, running a hand up and down her arm. And I was.

Until later that night.

_I was back in my room in Italy, and it was cold. So cold._

_Only this time Charlie and Bella were there with me, and I was panicking that they might be hurt. I searched in vain for a way to escape, to get them out, while Bella sat in the corner, holding Charlie in a tight embrace._

_When I heard the door open, I went to stand in front of them, hoping against hope that somehow the guards wouldn't notice my family._

_The man who came in was faceless and nameless, but he was menacing. My heart was in my throat and I felt my blood rushing in my ears. I had to fight back, no matter how weak I was. I needed to protect my family, they couldn't be allowed to suffer the way I had. They were too innocent, too precious to be hurt that way._

_He knew they were behind me and with inhuman speed he reached behind me to grab them, but I blocked his way._

_"I won't let you hurt them." I told him._

_"What are you going to do about it?" he taunted._

_"I'll kill you before I let you touch my family."_

_He went for them again and with a strength I didn't realize I had after everything I'd been through, I went for him and wrestled him to the floor. I pummeled him with my fists, his blood covering my hands, which ached from hitting him. But I was powerless to stop. He had hurt me and wanted to hurt my family. He couldn't be given the chance._

_"Edward," Bella called, grabbing my shoulder. "It's enough, let it go."_

_"I can't!" I shouted. "He wants you and Charlie." My fists continued to connect with what was left of his face, time and time again._

_"You need to stop," she shouted back. "Charlie and I don't want this!"_

_"I won't let him get you!"_

_I continued assaulting him until I couldn't lift my arms anymore and I was gasping for air. I turned to find Bella and Charlie so I could find a way to get them out, but they were gone._

_"Bella!" I called, unsure of where they were and afraid that they had been taken. "Bella, where are you?"_

_I called her a few more times, leaving through the open door and traveling down a long, empty hallway. I was panicked, my heart pounding in my chest as I called her time and again, only to be met with silence. They were gone._

_Finally, from very far away, I heard her call my name._

_"Edward, I'm here," she said calmly._

_"Where are you?" I cried. "I cant find you!"_

_"It's okay, Edward. Please wake up," Bella's sweet voice pleaded with me._

_I wanted to wake up, more than anything. Because if I did, I could be with her again. But I couldn't force my eyes open._

_"Edward, wake up," Bella's voice said, more forcefully this time. Her cool hand was on my warm forehead, and I wanted more. More of her touch and more of her voice but I could only get that if I woke up. I needed to wake up._

_"Come on, Edward. You can do it."_

I turned to the sound of her voice and opened my eyes, sure I would be in the dark and cold. But when my eyes focused, she was there, her face so concerned and sad. She hadn't left me after all.

I grabbed her with a groan and put my arms around her, holding her close, the loss of her so fresh in my mind. "Please don't leave me," I begged.

"I'm not going anywhere," she assured me, softly kissing my neck and holding me tightly. "You're all right."

I continued to hold onto her, not sure where my dream ended and reality began. I only knew her. She was real. My anchor to reality.

When my heart stopped pounding and my breathing slowed, Bella sat up on her elbow so she was leaning over me and took my sweaty face in her hand, running it from my forehead to my cheek. "That was a bad one, huh?" she asked, her voice and her touch a soothing balm to my nerves.

"Yeah," I said, my voice hoarse. "You and Charlie were there...with me."

"Maybe going to Italy isn't such a great idea after all," she said, her hand flat on my chest. "You haven't had one that bad in a long time."

"No, I want to go," I said, turning my head to her and grasping her hand in mine. "I have to face this. I've been thinking that as far as I've come, it's still something hanging over my head. And maybe if I face it fully, then I can really move on. It's something I tell my patients all the time, but I have yet to do it myself."

"Okay," she said softly.

"I'm sorry you have to deal with this," I whispered, pulling her close to me once again.

"Don't say that, please."

"I know. I know what you're going to say. Just let me feel this, okay?"

"Okay," she conceded, kissing my chest and wrapping her arm around me.

Once she was asleep I quietly got out of bed and went to Charlie's room.

He was laying on his side, his thumb planted firmly in his mouth, a look of complete contentment on his face. I hoped he would always feel that way; loved and secure and without worry. I sat there watching him sleep until the sky started to lighten, and then I went back to Bella.

**BPOV**

Edward was calm and seemingly relaxed until we landed in Italy and it was time to get off the plane in Rome. He was glued to his seat, gripping my hand tightly as everyone else disembarked around us. The stewardess came over to see if she could be of help but I quickly and kindly asked her to give us a minute.

After she walked away, I leaned into Edward and placed a hand on the side of his face, forcing him to look at me. "You can do this," I said softly. "I'm right here. Nothing is going to happen to you." My hands automatically went to his hair, stroking gently. "I'm here," I repeated. "I promise it's going to be fine."

He nodded and took a deep breath but made no move to get up. We sat there for a few more minutes before he looked at me and took my hand in his. "I think I'm ready," he said.

We held hands as we deplaned, through customs, in the taxi on the way to the hotel and as we entered our room. Edward was so obviously anxious and his nightmares had been so bad at home that he wasn't sleeping much, but we were here now and maybe it would be as cathartic as he was hoping it would be. His nerves were putting me on edge too and I hoped now that we were here and safe that maybe we could both relax and get some sleep.

We unpacked and had a light lunch, followed by a long nap, uninterrupted by nightmares.

The conference started the next day and for the next five days, Edward attended seminars in the morning while I did some sightseeing. We met back up every afternoon and we would usually nap, followed by dinner and a walk around the city. Edward was sleeping and seemed relatively unfazed by where we were, but after seven days in Rome the next leg of our trip was upon us and I could feel his anxiety ratchet up.

We decided to take a train from Rome to Liguria; it took eight hours but we had a sleeping car and were able to spend some time relaxing. Edward was still tense, but he seemed almost resigned.

As we got off the train at the Genoa Piazza Principe station, the porter collected our luggage and we told him we needed a taxi before a soft voice spoke from behind us.

"Edward?"

Edward's whole body tensed up as we turned around to be faced with a strikingly beautiful woman who was looking at us with a mixture of curiosity and anxiety.

"Tanya," Edward whispered, holding my hand so tightly that it was painful. But I didn't say anything. I was too busy staring at the woman in front of me. She was absolutely stunning; she was tall and had an air of poise and class about her that seemed completely natural. I knew I shouldn't, but I couldn't help but feel a little inadequate in her presence with my plain brown hair, pale skin and body that was never quite the same after Charlie was born.

She approached Edward, put her hands on his shoulders and kissed both of his cheeks quickly. "It's good to see you," she said, releasing his shoulders.

"You too," he responded to her in almost unaccented Italian. He was returning her smile but holding my hand as tightly as ever.

She looked kindly at me and extended her hand. "You must be Bella," she said in broken English.

I took her hand in the one that Edward wasn't crushing and smiled at her. "I am. It's nice to meet you, Mrs. Burlando," I responded in Italian

Once her surprise at my Italian passed she laughed softly and released my hand. "Call me Tanya, please," she replied in Italian. "Your Italian is very good."

"Thank you, he taught me everything I know," I said, looking over at Edward.

He lifted our clasped hands and kissed my fingers softly. "That's not true and you know it," he said, his face losing some of its tension as he looked at me.

I smiled back at him and bit my lip just as a porter came with our luggage. Tanya told him brusquely in to have all of our bags taken to our hotel before dismissing him.

"Oh, that's not necessary, we can–." I started.

"Nonsense," she said good naturedly, taking my arm and walking with me, Edward still grasping my hand tightly. "My husband is the Governor of Liguria, they'll do as they're told. Where are you staying?"

"Hotel Splendido," I answered. Edward was looking down and holding my hand. We hadn't expected her at the railway station and I think he was in shock at being faced with her again so abruptly.

"We live along the coast, which isn't far from here. I'll drive," she said, leading us out of the station.

"I'm sorry, Tanya, but we've had a long trip and I'd like to go back to the hotel and rest for a while," I said.

She stopped in her tracks and regarded me closely before her eyes flicked to Edward and our clasped hands.

"Of course," she said, smiling at me. "That was thoughtless of me. I tend to take control of situations; it's a bad habit of mine. I apologize," I had to strain a bit to understand her Italian, but I was pleased with how much I understood.

"There's no reason to apologize," I said kindly.

She took my arm again and started walking us toward her car. "I think you and I are going to get along fine," she said softly, a knowing look on her face. "I apologize again. I haven't always been like this. I know you weren't expecting me but I wanted to make sure you were properly taken care of when you arrived."

"It's all right," Edward said softly as we exited the station. "Maybe it was for the best."

"Come, I'll drive you," Tanya said when we got to her car. It was a large convertible and it was a beautiful day so the top was down. "I have business in the city and I'll pick you up later for dinner if that's all right."

I looked quickly at Edward, who silently gave me his acquiescence. "That would be lovely, thank you," I told her.

She left us at the hotel with promises that she would return in a few hours to take us to her home for dinner and to meet her family.

When we entered our hotel room, Edward immediately rested his forehead on my shoulder, his hands resting lightly on my waist. I kissed the side of his face and put my hands on the back of his neck, waiting him out.

"Is it too late for me to change my mind?" he asked.

"No, we can still back out if you want to," I replied, smiling. "But it wasn't that bad, was it?"

"Actually, no," he said, picking up his head and looking at me. "It don't feel as stressed as I thought I would."

"Good," I said. "We have a few hours until we have to meet her again. Why don't we get some rest?"

"Okay," he said quietly.

I picked up my bag and went to the bathroom, wanting to freshen up after the long train ride. The bathroom was beautiful; it had a large marble tub and shower and a long vanity with a huge mirror.

I gasped when I saw myself. My hair was in complete disarray, I had huge circles under my eyes and my dress was a wrinkled mess. I was the complete opposite of the lovely woman who had met us at the station. Where she was tall and striking and put together, I was short and plain and frumpy. And all of a sudden, my inadequacies were too much for me to bear. That she had seen me like this, when she had been in love with my husband, had kissed him and touched him in intimate ways, made every feeling of insecurity I'd ever had bubble to the surface.

I sobbed before I could stop myself, and by the time Edward came crashing through the door asking me what was wrong, I was crying uncontrollably. All I could think about was that beautiful woman having her lips on Edward, her hands on places only mine ever should have been while she whispered terms of endearment in his ear. Now that I'd seen her, the picture was as clear in my head as it had ever been and I couldn't seem to let it go.

And even though I was sure Edward loved me, the small part of my heart where my insecurity lived was insisting that Edward was so cold to me when he came home because he really wanted to be here with her. That he compared us and found me lacking.

"What happened?" Edward asked again, his arms wrapping around me and holding me close.

But I was unable to answer him, so I let him hold me and I let myself cry.

"Why are you crying?" he asked again when my sobs died down, a look of complete bewilderment on his face.

I just shook my head, trying to smile, but failing.

"Please, sweetheart," he said, pulling me back to him.

"It's just harder than I thought it would be...seeing her. You were with her and she's so beautiful," I cried.

"Oh, Bella," he said softly in my ear, one of his hands moving the hair away from my neck so he could kiss me. "There's never been anyone else for me. You must know that by now."

"I _do_ know," I said, choking back a sob. "But...but–."

"But nothing," he said, taking my face in both of his hands. "I _love_ _you_. Why do you still doubt me after all these years."

"I don't doubt you," I whispered, looking down. "I doubt myself."

"What does that mean?" he asked softly.

"Look at me. I'm frumpy and plain and ever since Charlie my body isn't the same," I whispered, my voice broken.

"You're kidding me right?" Edward said almost angrily. When I looked up at him his eyes were blazing. "I won't let you do this. You think...Bella, how could you...?"

He grabbed my hand and walked into the bedroom with me trailing behind him. He sat me on the bed and knelt before me, taking my hands in his. "Ever since we went to Hawaii all those years ago, have I ever given you a reason to doubt me?" he asked.

"No," I mumbled, looking down.

"And have I ever done anything to make you feel less that beautiful or desirable?"

"No."

"Do you believe me when I say I love you and want only you?"

"Yes."

"Then what is this, Bella?"

"I don't know," I whispered.

"Don't you do this. Talk to me, please," he pleaded, putting his finger under my chin to lift it so I was looking in the brilliant green of his eyes which were searching mine for answers.

"I...when you came home, did you want...to not be with me?"

"I don't understand what you're asking me. I was a wreck when I came home, you know this. I thought staying away from you was the best thing for you. What are you..." His voice trailed off as his eyes rapidly searched mine until realization dawned. "Oh, no. No, no, no. You don't think...come on, Bella."

My tears started anew as I sat there, his tone of voice adding to my fragile state of mind.

"Oh, shit," he said softly, reaching up to pull me into a tight hug. "My sweet Bella, don't you know by now that I don't see anyone else? I've loved and wanted you and only you since I was sixteen years old," he whispered in my ear. "Why do you doubt me?"

I hummed into his neck, too overwhelmed to say anything. I believed him, truly. But I still felt less than beautiful when compared to the only other woman Edward had kissed and touched.

"Bella?' he said, running his nose from my forehead across my cheek and down my neck. "How could you think that I don't find you the sexiest woman alive? How could you think I wouldn't find every inch of your body beautiful and desirable? Hm?" He kissed me behind my ear and I shivered. "You do things to me no one else has ever been able to do." He lifted his head and looked at me, his mood suddenly somber and his eyes dark. "Need I remind you what blew my cover all those years ago?"

"No," I said, my voice small.

He kissed me then, a kiss that was deep and long and passionate that I felt right down to my toes. "You're ridiculous," he said as he broke away from me and pushed me gently back on the bed. I felt his hardness press into my leg as he began to unbutton the front of my dress with quick, shaky hands. "Do you see what you do to me? No one has ever been able to make me feel the way you do. Ever. I need you to believe what I'm saying."

"I do, " I said, suddenly overwhelmed at how he was making me feel, both my body and my heart. He loved me. Truly and deeply, and it hurt him when I doubted his feelings for me. "I'm sorry," I said, my own trembling hands moving to remove his shirt, desperate for him now.

"Are you sure you believe me?" he asked, lifting me so he could slip my dress off and unhook my bra. "Because five minutes ago you thought I found someone else more attractive than I found you." He was scolding me as he tugged down my underwear, but instead of resenting it, his tone of voice made the tingling between my legs that much more intense.

"I'm sorry," I said again, working his belt buckle open with my hands and his pants and boxers down with my feet. "I didn't mean it."

"It sounded to me like you did," he growled, placing his body over mine. I instinctively opened my legs to him and wrapped a leg around his waist. "And I can't have that."

He thrust into me quickly and I cried out his name, my eyes closing and my back arching. I wanted to tell him that I loved him, that I believed him and that he made me feel so good, but as he moved in and out of me, the only sounds I seemed to be capable of making were moans and whimpers.

"How is it," he began, thrusting into me, "that you feel better every time? How is it that every time feels like the first time?" His face was over mine, his eyes dark and his jaw tight. "I love you so goddamn much," he said through clenched teeth. "And if it takes every day for the rest of our lives, I'm going to prove it to you. I hate that you doubt me." His voice went from stern to positively broken and it was then that I realized he wasn't angry with me at all. He was deeply hurt.

"I'm so sorry," I said, a single tear slipping down my cheek. Edward's movements stopped almost immediately as his hand cupped the side of my face, wiping my tear with his thumb. He looked at me for a long moment before he gently kissed me under my eyes. His hips began to move again, but this time it was slow and gentle and made my eyes roll back in my head with how good it felt.

"Bella?" he asked, his voice strained.

"I need...oh, God, not yet, please," I pleaded.

Edward propped himself on one elbow reached between us, his fingers touching me where we were joined and sending me into the throes of an orgasm so intense I saw stars behind my eyes. His cries joined mine as he shuddered over me, his eyes closed and his neck muscles straining.

He collapsed on top of me and I held him close, feeling so sorry that I had hurt him. I played with the hair at the back of his neck and whispered another apology. He lifted his head and regarded me silently, his face a picture of hurt and regret and sorrow. My anguish over hurting him made my throat tight and tears build in my eyes. He'd been nothing but devoted to me for years and I had no reason to doubt him.

"I'm so sorry," I said again.

He rolled off of me and took me in his arms. "I belong to you. I always have. Why would you...?"

"I'm a fool. I looked at myself in the mirror and compared to the way Tanya looked when she met us at the station, I just felt...I don't know."

"It sounds to me like even all these years later, you still haven't worked out how you feel about the things that happened while I was away."

"Thank you, Dr. Cullen," I said, wiping my tears and rolling my eyes.

"I know you hate it when I psychoanalyze you, but that doesn't mean what I'm saying isn't true," he insisted.

I took a deep breath and nodded. "You're probably right. Looks like you were more prepared for this than I was."

"It's difficult for both of us," he said. "But I think we only expected it to be for me and that was where we went wrong."

"I'm sorry," I said yet again. "I didn't mean to make this more difficult for you."

"Shhh, you didn't. If it had been me who was upset you wouldn't have expected me to apologize. You're allowed to feel conflicted about this. I'll take you home right now if this is going to upset you. It's not worth it to me if you're going to start doubting me and feeling bad about yourself."

"I love you, and I'm fine," I said, propping myself up on my elbow and splaying my hand on his chest. "I don't doubt you. It was a momentary lapse of reason." I kissed him softly on the lips and then laid my head on his chest.

His arms encircled me tightly and he kissed the top of my head. "You and Charlie are my world," he said softly. "Please don't ever forget that."

"I won't," I mumbled sleepily.

I woke up later to the sun setting and Edward sleeping soundly next to me, his arm thrown over my stomach. I looked at him and wondered why I had been so foolish. We'd been together for seventeen years and apart from the time right after he came home from the war, I had been sure that he loved me completely and unreservedly. I supposed on some level I might always be a little unsure of myself, but if there was one thing in my life that I could take for granted, it was my husband.

I kissed him on the cheek and gingerly moved his arm, hoping to let him sleep a bit longer. I brushed my teeth and then got under the spray of a hot shower, feeling the last of the tension leave my body. My mind wandered to Edward and the way we had made love earlier in the day and my whole body flushed. Thinking about the way he made me feel, it wasn't surprising that I didn't notice Edward peeking at me from the other side of the shower curtain. I jumped when I saw him and my mouth hung open when he stepped into the shower with me.

"What are you doing?" I asked, my eyes as wide as saucers.

"Something I've wanted to do for a long time," he said, smiling and taking the soap from my hands.

When we emerged from the shower twenty minutes later, we quickly got dressed and as I was putting the finishing touches on my makeup, the concierge called to let us know that Tanya was waiting for us downstairs.

"Ready?" Edward asked me, so clearly concerned with my state of mind. But he needn't have worried. Whatever lingering feelings I had about him and Tanya seemed to have disappeared, much to my relief.

"Absolutely," I said, reaching up to kiss him one last time.

x-x-x-x

One the way to her home, Tanya filled us in on her family. We knew much of it already from the information that Jasper acquired for us, but you can't quantify love and pride on a piece of paper, which is what she exuded when she talked about her husband and children. Her husband, Paolo Burlando, was a businessman turned politician whom she met right after she and her family returned to Italy after the war. They had three children, all girls, of whom they were incredibly proud.

But we wouldn't be meeting them today. She told us that all things considered, they thought it best to not have to explain to the girls who Edward was and how their mother knew him. I saw the wisdom in their decision, I wasn't sure I would want Charlie to know about Edward's past until he was much older.

Paolo was in the kitchen stirring something in a large pot when we arrived at the house. He turned to us and his whole face lit up when he saw Tanya. He greeted her first and then turned to me with a large smile on his face. "Welcome to our home," he said in English as he reached down to kiss the back of my hand.

I blushed and smiled, answering him in Italian. "Thank you for having us. I'm Bella."

"Yes, you are," he said charmingly, a twinkle in his eye. I could see why he was a successful politician.

He let go of my hand and he and Edward regarded each other for a moment while Edward squeezed my hand. Paolo eventually held his hand out to Edward and they shook, Paolo putting his other hand over Edward's. Tanya offered everyone wine and we retired out to the back patio where we awkwardly sat making chit chat until Paolo broke the ice, speaking in rapid Italian.

"Look, we all know what happened. I don't think any of us are happy about it, but here we are. I'm sure there were those of us who harbored resentment for years but I know for Tanya and I, we've tried to move past it, which is why we welcomed you into our home. We can't pretend that we're friends, but maybe we can have a pleasant evening and discuss some things to help us all leave the past in the past."

"I'm sorry, Tanya," Edward said suddenly in his perfect Italian. As far as I knew he hadn't spoken it aloud since he'd been here last, but it was still better than mine, even though I taught it for years. "You didn't deserve any of what happened to you. I shouldn't have done it. To Bella or to you."

"It was wartime, you were following orders," she said.

"That's not really an excuse," Edward said. "There was a lot of following orders during the war. Sometimes that's not an excuse."

"Did you have a choice?" I asked, slipping back into English, a little too upset to try to think of the words in Italian. "How could you still beat yourself up about this?"

He shrugged his shoulders and looked at me. "I hurt you, that you forgave me and still love me is nothing short of a miracle. That Tanya and her husband are welcoming us into their home is miraculous. I did a terrible thing."

"There was much worse going on during the war. There's much worse going on today," I insisted.

"I realize that, sweetheart, but what I did do was intentionally and knowingly hurt you and other people. I need to be held accountable for that."

"You were," Tanya interrupted. "I saw what they did to you. You didn't deserve that."

"Maybe, maybe not," he whispered.

"Excuse me?" I demanded. "Are you serious?"

"I just think the universe has a way of righting itself. What I did was wrong. I paid the price."

He shrugged again and looked down and I forgot where we were and who we were with. "So you deserved everything that's happened to you since? The nightmares and the insomnia and the struggle to simply function. And I suppose Charlie and I deserved it too, then?"

"How can you say that?" he asked, stricken.

"How can _you_?" I asked angrily.

We were staring at each other, eyes blazing, so we didn't notice Tanya come over and kneel in front of Edward, her hand resting on his knee. "Edward?"

He turned to her abruptly, as did I. "If you're saying you deserved it for what you supposedly did to me, as the wronged party I'm telling you, the punishment did not fit the crime. Yes, my feelings were hurt. But what happened to you..." She trailed off and shook her head. "I hated you for a long time. But I also loved you once, as foolish as that was. And despite everything, I know you're a good person. I forgive you."

She took his hand in hers as a tear rolled down his cheek and his other hand reached out for me, seeking comfort. Tanya looked at our clasped hands and his patted his leg before standing up. "Paolo and I are going to check on dinner," she said, taking her husband's hand and going back into the house.

I went to Edward and sat on his lap, holding him as he shivered.

"Do you really think you deserved what happened to you?" I asked softly after he calmed down.

"Sometimes," he whispered.

"Why didn't you ever talk to me about it?"

"Because I knew what your reaction would be and...I don't know, I think maybe I didn't want to be talked out of it."

"So you enjoy wallowing?" I asked rhetorically. "I think it's time you forgave yourself, don't you? It was a long time ago and you've more than paid the price. We all have. Enough is enough."

He laid his head on my chest and breathed deeply for a few minutes before looking up at me. "I would be so utterly lost without you," he said softly, tracing my jaw with one finger.

We looked at each other for a long minute, our silent conversation speaking volumes about our commitment and understanding. We would no doubt talk again about his feelings of guilt, but now wasn't the time. He regretted never telling me and I was sorry I hadn't noticed.

We might have sat there all night looking at each other but a throat being cleared tore our gazes away. Tanya was standing in the doorway, nothing but kindness and compassion on her face. It took me seconds to decide what Edward really needed in this situation. And for once, it wasn't me.

I stood quickly and kissed Edward lightly on the lips. "I'm going to see if I can help Paolo with dinner," I announced, walking away from Edward and past Tanya quickly before I could change my mind about leaving my husband alone with a woman he had essentially dated while we were married.

I helped Paolo by cutting the bread and chopping carrots for the salad. He seemed unconcerned that Edward and Tanya were outside together, which eased my mind considerably, if only because I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable.

We chatted amicably as we went about our work. He told me that they gave the servants the night off, but that he and Tanya enjoyed cooking together, so it wasn't a hardship. He complimented me on my Italian and asked me where I learned it, so I told him all about my troubles with Italian in high school and the help that Edward gave me, and how I picked it back up while he was gone. He had questions about America and I asked about Italy and Liguria in particular, which kept us talking for quite a while.

Tanya came in what felt like much later and I barely glanced at her red eyes and calm face before I went to Edward. His head was resting on the back of his chair and he was staring up at the night sky. He looked over when he heard me; his face seemed battle fatigued, but not unhappy.

"Hey," I said, kneeling in front of him. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I think so," he said, reaching out to touch my cheek. "Thank you for that. You're unbelievably amazing. You know that, don't you?"

I shook my head and stood up. "Come on, let's go have dinner."

Dinner passed quite pleasantly as, if almost by silent agreement, we talked about everything except the war. We passed around pictures of our children and traded stories about them; we talked about our careers and our lives. It was a deceptively pleasant evening and felt almost as if we were all old friends, catching up after being apart for so long. And maybe in some ways that's exactly what we were.

After dinner I offered to help Tanya clear the dishes and Paolo asked Edward if he'd like to have an after dinner cigar and a walk around the property. He looked at me briefly and I smiled at him tentatively, wanting him to know that I would be fine if he decided he wanted to go. He kissed me on the cheek and stepped outside with Paolo, leaving me alone with Tanya.

We scraped plates in awkward silence before Tanya spoke.

"I hated you, you know," she said suddenly.

I didn't know what to say to that, so I went over to the sink and ran the water, intending to wash some dishes.

"I'm sorry, that came out wrong," she said, standing next to me.

"That's all right," I said, picking up the sponge. My face was flushed and I was upset at the turn the conversation had taken, but I also thought I understood where she was coming from.

"No, it's not. I just meant that I loved him and he loved you so it was easy to hate you, even though I didn't know you."

"I wasn't too keen on you either," I said, picking up a dish and looking at her. The shocked look on her face quickly morphed into a huge smile as she burst out laughing. I couldn't help but join her, the tension suddenly broken.

Once our laughter died down I resumed washing dishes while she dried.

"I don't mean to sound condescending, but you're very sweet and kind and just as Edward described you," she said.

"Thank you. And you are just as he described."

"Did he tell you everything…about us?"

"Yes," I said softly.

"I thought that was love. The boys I had been with before were so physical and grabby and Edward was so respectful and kind. I thought that was what love was. But he just didn't want to be there with me. He was doing a job."

I didn't say anything, suspecting she just needed to get this off of her chest.

"Does it bother you to talk about this?" she asked suddenly.

"A little, but it's nothing I can't handle. We moved past this a long time ago. But it's not the most pleasant thing in the world to think of your husband with another woman, no matter the circumstances or how much time has passed."

"No, I don't imagine it is," she began. "But you should know, he was never really _there_. I didn't see it then; I was young and blinded by my feelings. Looking back, his mind was always somewhere else when we were together. I thought it was him being a gentleman, but the truth was that he didn't want to be there. When he told me about you later, it became much clearer. Seeing you together...well, it all makes sense now."

"I'm sorry," I said softly. I had been told before that Edward and I wore our feelings for each other on our sleeves, but I'd never felt guilty about it until now.

"You have nothing to apologize for. It's a beautiful thing. The difference is so stark. He never looked at me the way he looks at you. His eyes follow everything you do and the way he talks about you, to this day, makes me glad I did what I did."

"I'm sorry that you had to go through any of that."

"Honestly, it took me quite a few years to get over Edward. Not him, really. The situation. It hurt, and I had trouble trusting men for a long time. Even Paolo. I met him almost as soon as we came back to Italy after the war but I would have nothing to do with him. But he waited patiently and when I was ready, he was there."

"He loves you," I said. She looked at me curiously and I blushed. "It's just obvious," I clarified.

"He's a good man and I'm a very lucky woman. We have a good life together and he loves me the way I need to be loved, scars and all. But I don't think any of us have suffered the way Edward has."

I averted my eyes and turned off the faucet, all the dishes washed. I didn't know what Edward told her about his struggles since he'd been home and I didn't want to betray his confidence, so instead of getting into any of that, I said the thing I traveled all this way to say.

"Thank you for what you did for him. For sending him home to me," I said, quickly wiping a tear from my cheek.

"To be honest, I still loved him and even though I was unable to prevent what was being done to him, I couldn't leave him there to die. And the way he talked about you made me want to give him the chance to get home to you." She looked at me with tears in her eyes and I gave her a quick hug, which she accepted.

We pulled apart, both wiping tears, as Edward and Paolo came back into the house. Edward looked at my wet eyes with concern but I assured him with a small smile and a shake of my head that I was fine. He came over to me and put his arm around my waist and I rested my head briefly on his shoulder, the tension leaving my body. And all of a sudden, I was much more than fine.

* * *

**The prompt for this outtake was "What happened to Tanya?" I couldn't limit that to 1K even if I tried (which I didn't).**

**Thanks to Lucette21 and LTR, as always. They've been invaluable to me throughout this process.**

**So, that's it for these two kids. I love them dearly and will miss them more than I can say. Thanks for sticking with me. **

**My next story is about ready to go and should post soon. Stay tuned.**


	7. Chapter 7

**This was written for my beta, Lucette212, who told me once in passing that she would have liked to see a conversation between Carlisle and Charlie like the one contained below. I can only hope this is what she had in mind. **

**Thank you, my friend, I owe you more than I can ever express.**_** Finding Home**_** was a challenge for me in many ways, but it was made easier by the fact that I had you for a beta. Happy Birthday. **

**Thanks to LTR and SR for filling in for the aforementioned beta.**

**This takes place right before chapter one of **_**Finding Home**_**.**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

Charlie POV

"That was delicious, Esme. Thank you," I said, patting my stomach and leaning back in my chair.

"You're more than welcome, Charlie," she replied, smiling kindly at me. I knew she appreciated the fact that I enjoyed her meals with gusto. I was a fair cook, but Esme Cullen was the best I'd ever encountered. "Who's ready for dessert?"

"May I please be excused?" Edward asked, looking down at his plate, an absolutely pained expression on his face. If I had to guess, that pain was somehow associated with the way he had been staring at my daughter all evening.

"Oh," Esme responded. "It's apple pie. Are you sure you don't want some?"

"Yes, ma'am," he mumbled, looking quickly at Bella and then at his mother. "I'd just like to go to my room, please."

"You feeling all right, son?" Carlisle interjected.

"Yes, I'm fine," he replied, his leg bouncing up and down. Poor kid seemed likely to have a heart attack if they didn't excuse him from the table. "I have homework."

Carlisle looked at him for a long minute before nodding his head. "All right. Say good night to Captain Swan and Bella."

"Good evening," he said quickly, practically running up from the table and up the stairs. Esme shook her head and got up from the table, starting to clear it, as I chuckled at Edward's retreating form. That boy had it bad.

"How about a brandy before coffee?" Carlisle asked me.

"Sounds good," I replied, looking over at Bella, who was helping Esme clear the table.

She smiled at me and my stomach twisted. She was such a sweet girl and I was dreading the news I had that was sure to blindside her. "I'll just be out on the back deck with Dr. Cullen, baby girl."

"Okay," she said innocently, picking up dishes and stacking them neatly.

"Do you have homework too?" I asked her.

"Just a little bit of reading. I can do that here," she answered, taking her stack of dishes and turning toward the kitchen.

I watched her go before I got up and met Carlisle at the bar, where I gratefully accepted a snifter of brandy as we made our way outside. I loved this house for many reasons, but after the sense of love and family I felt within its walls, I enjoyed this, the calm I felt at the beach, more than anything else. Perhaps it was being so close to the ocean, which after Bella was the thing I loved most in the world. Before she came along, I thought being at sea was my fondest wish, but she changed everything about my life, and for the better.

Carlisle and I sipped our brandy in comfortable silence until I told him the news I was dreading telling Bella.

"I just received word yesterday. I've been promoted and they're giving me the _Arizona_. I ship out right after the first of the year," I announced.

"Okay," he said cautiously. "Why don't you seem happier? Isn't this what you wanted?"

"It's what I want in a lot of ways. What I've always wanted. But you know as well as I do that war is coming. And soon."

I looked at him, sure he would understand what I was trying to say. We'd been friends for a long time.

"She's almost an adult, Charlie. You can't be with her forever."

"I know, but she's still in high school and she has plans to go to college. It's not a great time for me to be leaving," I lamented. I wanted to go. America would undoubtedly be at war soon and it was my duty to be a part of that, but she had always been my first priority.

"The choice is going to be taken out of your hands either way. Maybe it's better to leave this way, when you can prepare her."

"Maybe," I said distractedly. I was going to be in combat and I needed to make sure that if I didn't come home, she was taken care of.

"I know I've asked you this before," I began. "But if I don't come home, you'll take care of my little girl, won't you?"

"You know I will," he replied firmly. "I'm almost insulted that you felt the need to ask."

"She's a good girl and I've been thinking...maybe I didn't prepare her properly for life. And I don't want it to be too late."

"What do you mean? I've never seen a father more devoted to his child."

"I've been thinking," I repeated, "that I raised her all wrong. She accused me once of wishing she had been born a boy. I don't think she was right, but I wonder if she needed a mother. Someone to teach her to sew and cook and do the things she's going to be expected to do."

"Expected by whom?" he asked me pointedly.

"By the boy she marries some day, I would imagine."

"You don't know that," he replied.

"I taught her to fish and fight and to speak her mind freely. I went to her school and demanded that she be taken out of Home Economics and put into classes with boys. I could have asked Esme to give her some of those skills but I thought studying was more important than sewing. Boys are bound to be intimidated by that."

"Do you really want Bella with a boy who doesn't appreciate how smart and strong she is?"

"Of course not. But I may not be around to tell her that, and that terrifies me."

"I know I'm not her father and Esme's not her mother, but she'll always have us. We love her as if she was our own and we'll make sure she knows."

I swallowed thickly, clearing out the lump that was forming in my throat. I was lucky to have a friend like Carlisle. He took my child in when I had to travel and opened his home to both of us with no questions asked. I couldn't have asked for a better family for my little girl.

"I appreciate that more than I can say. If I'm not around...well, I want her to still be the person she was meant to be. If that makes sense."

"It does."

"Have you seen the way your boy looks at her?" I asked, lightening the mood.

"You noticed that too, huh?" he replied, smiling.

"It's hard to miss. He looks like a sick puppy," I said. I was laughing, something I was sure I wouldn't have been doing had we been talking about any other boy.

"That he does," Carlisle said, joining in my laughter.

"If he ever gets off his ass and asks for her hand, I want you to know that I approve. There's no one I'd rather see her with."

"Thank you. That means a lot to me. He's a good boy. And he definitely won't expect her to be anyone other than who she is. You know that."

"I do," I said softly. I didn't necessarily like to think of my baby as a married woman, but Edward _was_ a good boy and he would take good care of her, of that I was certain.

"My boy's going off to war too, you know," Carlisle said softly. "All of our lives are going to change."

"He's a smart kid, he'll be fine," I said, my words sounding hollow to my own ears. War was a nasty business that often took the best and the brightest in their prime.

He just nodded and we sat there for a long while, silently looking out into the ocean and sipping our drinks, lost in our own thoughts.

"I better tell her," I suddenly announced.

Carlisle got up and put a hand on my shoulder. "I'll send her out."

"Thanks."

As I waited for her to come out, I remembered the day Bella's mother left us. I was so sure I would fall apart, that I would fail at raising a child alone, a daughter especially.

Renee left us on a Tuesday night, long after Bella had been fed and put to bed. She told me that she loved us but that she didn't think she was cut out for being a mother and wife. It was all too much responsibility and she was too young to be tied to a family. She took a small suitcase, walked out the front door, and I never saw her again.

I stayed up all that night, in shock, mostly. Until a tiny voice called from upstairs, asking for her mother.

I slowly made my way to her room, unsure of what I was going to do or say when I got there. It wasn't that I hadn't taken an interest in my child before then. It was just that child-rearing was the work of women and men were relegated to a few minutes a day of playtime.

I went to her room and when she saw me she smiled from her crib, put her arms straight out and said "Daddy."

I knew then and there that I would devote myself to her, to making sure that her life was fulfilled and happy, even without her mother.

But that didn't change the fact that I had a hungry, wet toddler, and at the moment taking care of her seemed more challenging than navigating a battleship through open sea. I packed her into the car and drove to Carlisle and Esme straight away, seeking advice. After I told them that Renee left and they got over their shock, I asked Esme for help. My daughter needed me and I was her only parent now – I had a lot to learn.

Esme carefully walked me through the steps of changing a diaper and showed me how to give Bella a bath. She gave me some pointers on what Bella might like to eat and wrote down the recipes. She was my saving grace that day and after we put the kids down for their nap that afternoon, I allowed myself to grieve for the loss of my wife and my daughter's mother.

But that was all the mourning I would do. I had a daughter to raise. It wasn't always easy, and I often felt more challenged by being a father than a Naval Officer, but she really was the best, brightest part of my life.

"Daddy?"

I turned and saw Bella coming to join me on the back porch. I still couldn't get over the woman she was becoming and how far she'd come from that two year old who held her arms out to me.

When she sat next to me, I came right out with it. We didn't lie to each other and we didn't beat around the bush.

"I'm leaving again, kiddo."

"Oh," she whispered, blinking at me in surprise.

"I've never lied to you and I'm not going to start now. War is coming. I've been given the _Arizona_ and I have no idea where we're going or how long we'll be gone." I paused to give her time to digest what I was saying before continuing. "You know you'll always have a home with Dr. and Mrs. Cullen."

"I know. I'm going to miss you, though," she said softly, looking up at me with those big brown eyes and making me instantly regret my decision to go. There was no going back now, though. And I also knew that as much as I wanted to stay with her, going was the right thing. I had a job to perform and I would do it to the best of my ability so I could come home to her as soon as possible.

"I'm going to miss you, too. But you're almost an adult now. You finish up high school and then I want you to do whatever makes you happy. If that's college, it's college. If not, that's okay too. Remember, I can only push you so far, the rest is up to you."

"I know, Daddy."

"There's no harm in reminding you, baby girl. You be your own person, you hear me?"

She nodded and looked at me, biting her lip lightly. "What is it?" I asked.

She didn't respond. Instead, she got up and threw her arms around my neck, holding me tight. I held her close and relished the moment, knowing there wouldn't be many left.

"I love you, Daddy," she whispered in my ear.

"I love you, Isabella. And I'm proud of you, no matter what. Never forget that."

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**Thank you for reading.**


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